8 helpful things you should say to someone going through IVF

'Can I bring you a decaf coffee?'

After I wrote (ranted?) about the annoying things people say, I figured it’s only fair to share some suggested alternatives. So if you know someone going through IVF and are at a loss for words, give one of these a try.

1. I’m sorry you’re struggling.

Starting off with a simple recognition of what they’re going through is a brilliant way to show support. The process can feel incredibly isolating - especially when you feel like people in your inner circle don’t understand. So hearing someone acknowledge the fact that the situation is shit and what you’re dealing with is hard is like gold dust.

2. Do you want to go for a walk?

When someone is going through a drug cycle, they likely aren’t drinking alcohol or caffeine, and may be on a strict diet and injection schedule. So it’s easy for their social life to take a hit. Dinners or drinks may not be as feasible, but a walk and a chat is a lovely alternative.

3. Do you want to take tequila shots?

That said, when someone has finished a cycle without success, they may be looking for a fun distraction. There’s often a period of at least two months in between cycles, which I liked to consider my IVF rumspringa. Invitations for child-free fun - including but not limited to cocktails, karaoke and dancing on tables - were eagerly accepted.

4. How are you doing… really?

There are often times when you want to vent a little, but you don’t want to unload on unsuspecting ears. It’s easier to just pretend things are fine when people ask. But it’s a nice feeling when you get the sense that someone really is there to listen.

5. How can I help you?

If talking about your problems is hard, asking for help is even harder. Often well-meaning friends will say, ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do.’ The offer is appreciated even though you know you’ll never take them up on it. If you really want to help, try asking more directly and offering suggestions of things you’re willing to do. For example: Can I bring you a coffee tomorrow? Or can I walk your dog for you during your hospital appointment?

6. This season will pass.

It sounds cliché, but it always helps to get a little reminder that this whole process is temporary. One way or another, it will end and you will move on. Life will go on and things will get better. 

7. Be kind to yourself.

This is another phrase that can help pull someone out of a spiral. IVF takes a toll on you both emotionally and physically, so you may find that you’re letting other areas of your life slip a bit. It’s easy to beat yourself up for not being at the top of your game in your career, relationships or general life responsibilities. A gentle reminder to give yourself a break goes a long way.

8. I’m here for you.

Short, sweet and always appreciated.